Dear diary + Help

• It is difficult to be an example for your children when your hope has been depleted. It is difficult when you feel surrounded by others who only support their team..who appear bought and paid for. I would give anything to have a normal life. If God can hear me Why God? Why? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why am I always alone? I knew after 2011 what it was like to be alone romantically but I still had hope. No hope anymore. It hurts even more knowing my friends weren’t really my friends…losing a different kind of love overnight again and again. Nothing feels real anymore. What am I showing my children? How to survive? Is that all I am capable of? They lost respect and trust in me after Cypress Creek when all I was trying to do was protect them. That was all I was trying to do. Not only have I lost faith in individuals I have lost faith in medical institutions, protective agencies, and the judicial system. Quite a blow. I know I don’t see the big picture. You won’t show it to me. It is how I felt since 2011. When someone has a cure for a disease but they won’t give it to you because there is too much money involved for them and their causes how are you supposed to feel about that person? Those people? You say you help, but do you really? Or is everything for show 24/7?

• I want to believe..Sas Jordan.

• https://youtu.be/-2U0Ivkn2Ds say something

• How do I appeal to the humanity of those who always viewed humanity as a threat?

• Why did they kill off all of the people I let in?

• My mind: They care? They care. They care?

• Don’t understand.

• No tary. Re tar ded. No Terry. Terry Moore. O2. Room to breathe. Mor man. E=. One day I will get back to living instead of fighting. I don’t even know what I am fighting for anymore. Basic dignity? Respect? Things I will never have.

• Nick Shirley said something like the more successful you are the more they come after you. I think that is true. In my case it is the more your words influence others, make people see things in a different way (different from certain propagated narratives), the more they come after you. Thank God I never knew I was being watched in my previous life. I would have risked nothing and had taken no chances. If I allowed myself to view my life through other peoples versions of themselves or propagated narratives I would have never had the opportunity to look back at my life and a few moments with a certain amount of pride and joy. In some cases I trusted the universe would deliver, that all things would work out for His good, and they did. I do not have that kind of hope anymore. I remember what the Hope House devolved into years later. I also know my current employer was there in some way or form. Why do we have to pick up the pieces from other peoples destruction I don’t know. I have many questions for God if I am fortunate enough to make it to heaven..But I do know that I am not your image of me. I do know that I am not your pretend fantasy wife (no offense but thank God!) who does whatever you tell her to. I do know that I make mistakes, but I myself am not a mistake. I do know I will never be good enough for some people. Their egos are too invested in being better than I am. Almost all of their identity is tied into being more intelligent and different than myself and others. Their images will not be shattered..That is not my problem and I am not going to make it my problem. I’ll do the best I can knowing it will never be good enough for them. They have not done the inner work that is necessary to stop targeting others. I am a tiny grain of sand. I am a dead deer on the road who deserved much better. I am not them. I am me and I will continue to be just me. It is both good and bad to only want to be yourself and not walk in anyone elses shoes. For most of my life I did not know how to be true to myself. Hard to stop lying when you are lying to yourself. So now I am free…in a cage..but the cage is not of my own making. Maybe it never was. I just thought it was. I know this now. I don’t want life to be about image. I want it to be about substance. Real not pretend. I don’t believe you anymore.

• https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-01jhW_Yzhs&list=RD-01jhW_Yzhs&start_radio=1&pp=ygUqbm8gc2hvZXMgbm8gc2hpcnQgbm8gcHJvYmxlbSBrZW5ueSBjaGVzbmV5oAcB